diary of a crumpler

beerboarding-from UrbanDictionary.com

A controversial process of extracting otherwise-secret information from a friend or co-worker by getting them drunk and thereby loosening their control on their tongue.

The guys at work took me out drinking last night. After quite a few beers and a lot of questions I finally let slip that I was going to be a father. What can I say? Beerboarding should be against the law.

Question:  How can one ask a woman NOT to vote for Hillary Clinton solely on the basis of her gender without making oneself sound sexist and bigoted?

Quick Answer: One cannot, apparently, regardless of the fact that should someone take the exact opposite stance (for example, someone saying I* WILL NOT vote for her just because SHE IS a woman!) with the same primary factor being gender - this someone IS a sexist and bigot.

*That is not to say I wouldn’t vote for her, or Barack Obama.  I’ll vote for whichever candidate the Democrat party trots out, but it bugs me when people make ignorant statements, like they’ll vote for a woman JUST because she’s a woman, or will vote for a black man, just because he’s black.  Vote for who you believe in, not who you identify with most in terms of genitalia or skin color…  We’ve got more important issues at hand these days.

never do more than TWO of the following THREE simultaneously.

1) masturbate to porn in your hotel room
2) without the latch on the door
3) while *listening* to said porn with noise canceling headphones on.

It’ll make things a lot less embarrassing for both you and the hotel employee who is coming to:
service the room
drop off an amenity
return dry cleaning/laundry
NOT see person masturbating on the toilet.

This message brought to you by the Frequent American Travel Society (FATS).
That is all.

Last year i wrote posted Windy City Wrap Up after the debauchery that was The Big Show in Chicago. It started out as a list, a brainstorm to keep what i thought would be both relevant and funny fresh in my mind so I could write THE CHICAGO BLOG TO END ALL CHICAGO BLOGS. It never happened. I got lazy, or tired, or maybe just tired of rehashing it all in my head. A little bit of writer’s block and a lot of alcohol will stumble a long walk back to your hotel in order to fuck with your productivity. What lies beyond that hyperlink is a one third written mess that I’m not very proud of. It’s not well crafted or deliberate. It’s really just brain vomit in text format. This attempt will hopefully yield something much more cohesive, even if it ends up not very funny.

This year, The Big Show, again, took place in the Second City and I won’t qualify any experience with words like better or worse, or non words like funner or janky. I will say, like a lot a facets of this job it’s been an experience that I’ll never forget.

There is an instant touch of nostalgia in this post, as this was possibly the last show I’ll ever work with Beef. He turned in his notice a couple weeks ago, and will be leaving the event management incestry entirely by the middle of this month. He’ll still be in Fairfizzle, so I’m sure we’ll get together from time-to-time for beverages
(“I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just a THIRSTY GUY!”)
but it sure won’t be the same. This is the guy that brought me into this industry, taught me half of what I know about it (I owe the other half to Bake), was the best boss I ever had and, above all was one of the coolest motherfuckers I’ve ever know. Everytime I bang down a Jaeger stained shot glass in some trash bar I’m gonna think about Beef. This team (I.T.), this journey, this whole thing - he started it all and I can’t thank him enough for bringing me into it.

Enough of that. Again, this year we treated ourselves to the Cubbies on memorial day. Which ended in typical fashion.
Which is to say we behaved as any group of guys getting:
a day off with pay.
an extra day off, to be used at a later date.
$64 of per diem.
holiday baseball game.
might act, and that is like total lunatics.
The bag got beat, bad.
I lost my cool and screamed at Keebler in front of three coworkers.
I may have called him a “little bitch”.
Keebler is neither little, nor a bitch. I’m probably lucky I didn’t get stabbed. If this had happened in Virginia he probably would have shot me in the face.
Monkey apparently felt like his only option was to climb over a table/coworker.
After drinking beer and shots all day Bake:
chugged a pint of Holy Water
challeged a dude roughly a foot taller than him (“SIT DOWN MOTHERFUCKER, wait, He’s already sitting down?!?”)
Was cut off and ultimately forced to leave the establishment where two of the above mentioned transgressions occurred.

Monday’s lunacy lead to a hungover Tuesday for most of us.
Despite this Pain and I went for broke with something like seven shots shots of Jaeger (each) and a dozen or so beers after work. Beef stood tall with several shots and beer himself. I dumped/spilled a shot on my pants. We paid bums to leave us alone. We smoked what my lungs swear was a carton and a half of cigarettes. I beat Rikki like a pro athlete beats his babymama for his birthday, leaving bruises that still show purplish, greenish, brownish four and half days later.

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot is wrong with us?

I’ve been up and down on the bag.
Like a well seasoned junkie some nights are amazing and some nights are miserable but either way I’m still chasing the dragon. I can go from consistently drilling the 820-840+ range to struggling in the 790-810 neighborhood or vice versa. I certainly crushed last years high-mark of 843 with a shot in the 850s, but both Rikki and Bake are into the upper 50s and 60s just about every night.
i think Rikki karate chopped an 850.
I headbutted a 458. That for comparison, is harder than most petite girls punch with a drop step or two.
Ike Turner style, we can all bitch slap about 790 or better. I hyperextended my tricep doing it. It’s better now, and the bag said she’s sorry.

i’m done for now.
part 2 tomorrow?

When I log on to ESPN.com I expect to read some sterilized account of some young, rich spoiled brat running amuck, drunk with fame and cash.  But, this is getting rediculous!

The headline for the four above linked articles follow, for those that don’t feel like clicking through:

Henry appears in court for pretrial hearing
Police: Benson appeared drunk, was ‘combative’
Sources: Bullet casings came from Harrison’s gun
Falcons linebacker charged with battery
Ex-Lion Porcher sentanced to community service 

There is exactly ONE NFL headline that isn’t related to some type of crime or violence.

I guess you have to be a scocipath to play in the NFL.
Or do I.T. for an event management company in Fairfax