diary of a crumpler

so seriously, a new concept of hell to me?
an endless flight to orlando, occupied by approximately 120 screaming kids chaperoned by thirtysome parents all making the Eli Manning Face.
Confused, pained countenances of epic proportions.
One couple literally had six kids under the age of eight.  Put a bullet in my brain before I lead an expedition into Disney Country when the adult-to-kid ratio is less than 1:1. 
I’m not fucking kidding, I’ve seen husbands literally look like they want to hijack the plane and bring it down over North Georgia. 
“Oh god, I signed up for a week of this shit?!?”
“We’re not even off the plane yet and they’re driving me crazy.  Why does the little one keep grabbing my arm and screaming?  I swear to god these aren’t my kids.”

Never mind the fact the purser (and when the fuck did United flight attendants/stewartesses start calling themselves “pursers”? - this has got to be a 2008 thing, i hadn’t noticed it until only recently) is just goading the kids on, getting ‘em all riled up in a confined space. 
Over the intercom,
“Who’s on this flight to go see M-I-C-K-E-Y?!?”

Insert pint-sized pandemonium at thirty-thousand feet.

Vindictive bitches.
“Hah, get those little brats all spun up on Coke and candy and then watch ‘em literally drag their parents off the plane!” 

New subject:
Does anyone actually WATCH FrankTV?
I must have seen a quarter billion commercials for that show over the course of the American & National League Division and Championship series.
Serieses?
Seriesesesezz?
ZZZZZZZezzexezzzzzseszzes ffffft ffft ffft shhhht sshhht
I’m looking for the plural form of “series” for $200, Alex.
I mean, shit, the guy had so much exposure during the MLB playoffs, McCain probably should have chose Frank Caliendo as his running mate with better results.  I mean Caliendo could at least spoof  presidential behavior (ZING! -god that was pathetic).
If you ask me, which you shouldn’t, ever, about anything - if a network is trying too hard to push something down your throat, it probably sucks, right?

You don’t have to pay to advertise awesome stuff, it sells itself.
It’s self?
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzezz fffffft fffffft fffffffft fffft.

So no shit, I get to my hotel room to find a laminated neon yellow 8.5 x 11″ PIZZA ALERT.
What the fuck is a PIZZA ALERT!
Is that like, whoa buddy, totally forgot I was lactose intolerant and just ate a whole Giordano’s by myself?
Nope, just Central Florida’s Hotel & Lodging Association warning me about the potential distribution of pizza flyers under my hotel guestroom door.  They HIGHLY DISCOURAGE (they typed it in all caps, and bold) ordering ANY (again with the caps & bold) type of food or beverage from any flyer as the pizza, in most cases, is delivered cold and is of poor quality.  They go on to say that the pizzas may have been prepared in someone’s garage (WTF?!?!).  They then go on to recommend the following companies:

Bullet point - PIZZA HUT (at our Food Court) (SUPRISE!)
Bullet point - or other national brand pizza companies (which they do not provide any telephone numbers.)

 This is sinking to a new low!
A hotel spreading FUD about delivery food?

Like hotel food isn’t cold, of questionable quality & grossly over priced.
 Like Ronald McDonald talking shit about the Burger King,
“Yeah man, I dunno about the King…”
“I heard he just hires teenagers and little old ladies that barely speak englich.”
“Can’t trust those damn teenagers & illegal aliens.”
That was weak, but I’m over pot calling kettle black.

the only thing that looks bad in HD is Stuart Scott’s eye.
It doesn’t look half that bad in standard definition!

beerboarding-from UrbanDictionary.com

A controversial process of extracting otherwise-secret information from a friend or co-worker by getting them drunk and thereby loosening their control on their tongue.

The guys at work took me out drinking last night. After quite a few beers and a lot of questions I finally let slip that I was going to be a father. What can I say? Beerboarding should be against the law.

Question:  How can one ask a woman NOT to vote for Hillary Clinton solely on the basis of her gender without making oneself sound sexist and bigoted?

Quick Answer: One cannot, apparently, regardless of the fact that should someone take the exact opposite stance (for example, someone saying I* WILL NOT vote for her just because SHE IS a woman!) with the same primary factor being gender - this someone IS a sexist and bigot.

*That is not to say I wouldn’t vote for her, or Barack Obama.  I’ll vote for whichever candidate the Democrat party trots out, but it bugs me when people make ignorant statements, like they’ll vote for a woman JUST because she’s a woman, or will vote for a black man, just because he’s black.  Vote for who you believe in, not who you identify with most in terms of genitalia or skin color…  We’ve got more important issues at hand these days.

never do more than TWO of the following THREE simultaneously.

1) masturbate to porn in your hotel room
2) without the latch on the door
3) while *listening* to said porn with noise canceling headphones on.

It’ll make things a lot less embarrassing for both you and the hotel employee who is coming to:
service the room
drop off an amenity
return dry cleaning/laundry
NOT see person masturbating on the toilet.

This message brought to you by the Frequent American Travel Society (FATS).
That is all.